Hello Stranger ….

So I’ve been lax. Going through the daily motions. Covid fatigue? Possibly. Personal rut? Also likely. And then whammo! A hastily planned vacation hits me like a thunder bolt and I’m firing on all cylinders. Who knew being retired and living life needed a jump start?? Who knew vacations in retirement are just as rejuvenating as they were during the working years?? It’s a new realization. And it’s great!

Retirement, after all, is going through your daily routine except without working. Not working is awesome; don’t get me wrong. But if you’re not careful it can be mundane and treadmill-ish. The mundane can creep up on you and suddenly you take stock and realize you’re bored of the same old. I think the covid trance is also at play wiping out live entertainment and dining options. Pointless mandates that, in addition to not working (to wit here we are 2+ years later …), are slowly killing people and their livelihoods. You want to support local business, but it’s getting old already. My heart literally breaks when I think of entrepreneurs who have had the rug pulled out viciously from beneath them. And silently thanking kismet for our lucky timing in retirement. We’d be broke and out of business for sure. Divine intervention saved our assets. No doubt about it.

But I think the tide is finally turning. People have been manipulated too far. And the push back has started to show cracks in the (to now) mostly compliant herd. Funny how the herd actually missed the herd part in the immunity factor and embraced the nanny government mandates. All the while letting our most vulnerable languish. Alone and afraid and sad. Totally unacceptable and yet we stood by.

So we went on a cruise. Just got back today. Five days of sunshine and pampering service. We loved every minute of it. But our decision to cruise at this time, not to mention our decision to winter in Florida during covid (omg …. the cases!!) was met with raised eyebrows and question marks. Be safe. Ya whatever. In order to cruise we needed a covid test prior to boarding. Rules. Safety first. Armed with our tests, vax info and masks, we board the ship. Everyone vaccinated had to wear a wristband so that they could enjoy the “V” areas on board. Yes. There was segregation. Appalling. The ship which normally held about 5000 passengers and 2000 crew, was sailing with full crew but only 1800 guests. Lucky us! It was very VIP. But the weirdness of all crew wearing not 1 but 2 masks with big indications that it was N-95. They also wore buttons with their photo under a caption reading “my smile under the mask”. There were hand sanitizer stations everywhere (not that they help … most nasty viruses fall into the .1 percent not covered by the “kills 99.9% of germs” … just ask Rudy – he got the noro virus on a ship once). It’s all optics as I’ve noticed. And still the cruise lines were under the microscope for being covid super spreaders. Hogwash.

The vacation, in spite of the reminders that things were far from normal, was rejuvenating. A complete break from the day to day routine. The cruise offered an app so you could plan your on board and on shore activities. I eagerly scoped out the possibilities and filled my calendar with exciting and interesting options. Not one of them materialized. LOL. I was delighted just to be. No yoga. Or pickleball. Or bourbon tasting. Or Pilates. It was vacation bliss! Our first beer on board was a lovely refreshment that tasted so good!

Because of the low passenger count, we got a great deal on a jr suite. First time ever for us and we have cruised a lot! The suite was on the 10th deck of 14. A huge ship. The room was 50% bigger than usual and included a walk-in closet and bigger balcony. The extra space was great and the seating area included a couch and a chaise. Very roomy and comfortable. I don’t think I will rush back to a regular cabin ever again.

For cruisers, you are all too familiar with the onboard safety seminar. They assemble everyone at a muster station and review the safety protocols including how to fasten a life jacket. However! Covid requires that social distancing is a must (except for when you’re fighting for position in the sales at the shops!!) so the safety procedures are done by video on the app; you watch the videos and it says “complete”. Even if you really didn’t watch I suspect. Clever, no?? It also meant that hoards of guests didn’t bunch up at time to get off the ship. After breakfast, return to your stateroom and wait for your group to be announced. Sure. Ok. We ignored the announcement. We got off the ship at 8 am and were in our car driving off at 8:20 am. Some of the extreme efficiencies developed in the name of covid are actually awesome. You wonder how many other efficiencies have been established … like working from home. How ingenious!

For 5 days we lounged and read and ate and, after dinner, enjoyed some of the shows. In particular there was a skating production (yes, the ship had a rink) that was quite remarkable. The headliner stage shows were also good. If you had a wristband on you could sit in the main theatre; if not you had to sit in the balcony. You could not attend the ice show. Crazy. We talked about how ridiculous that was and how it mirrored the themes in our Pam Jenoff books (if you haven’t read her novels I highly recommend!!). Non vaccinated people are second class; very disturbing to say the least. I’ve voiced my concern and disapproval to our local MPP. I’m sure he rolls his eyes. Especially since he’s leaving politics after his term (he’s had a few scandal type issues over the years) but not without his juicy pension! Who cares about rights and freedoms?!

The food, as usual, was amazing on board. Adding to the pleasure of taste is the service and the ability to walk away without clean up or dishes!! bliss!! Our waiter was from India and we were his last voyage before a 2 month break. He was going home to India and would be married. He seemed so young and so happy to perform his duties. I hope he has a safe trip. He was flying from Orlando to NYC. Then on to Doha and Mumbai and finally to Goa. I could tell he was excited and looking forward to seeing his family and his girlfriend. His name is Sykes and I wish him well.

I brought two books along. And I quickly plowed through them necessitating a trip to the library on board. I entered through the ornate wooden door on level 3 and entered the library/computer centre. It was deserted. The book shelves were bare except for three books: a Clive Cussler (no thanks … I’m not a fan of Dirk Pitt- Rudy and I jokingly call him Dirk Diggler), a book on card games (no thanks) and finally a Catherine Cookson novel which I chose. It was the most of the least appealing. As it turned out “The Parsons Daughter” was a good story that reminded me of Downton Abbey. A late 18th century British country manor; I couldn’t put it down. I must say, the Brits know how to ramp up the sultry bits!!

Before we left to head to the port, Rudy collected our mail. My dad mailed a birthday card and asked every time we spoke if I’d received it. The card was not in the box, but my book order from Barnes and Noble was there! My friend Marilyn is my book/reading guru; her recommendations are always bang on! She started me on the Seven Sisters historical fiction novels. I read the first one. Then I had to order the next 6!! Rudy suggested I bring a couple along on the trip but I felt I had enough book weight in my bag. As usual, he was right. Don’t tell him. Now that we are home I’m ready to dig in to the next installation!!

On that note, I’m signing off. With every intention of not letting my creative writing outlet either again for so long.

Thank you for watching Molly, Blair. We missed her but you afforded us peace of mind. 🐶💕

Final word: live life. Love life. Fuck covid. 💗

First beer on board.
Big space and big closet
Hello Nassau
Great balcony
Paradise Island
Afternoon cocktail 🍹
At sea

First Love: Part 4

The next day Brynn couldn’t focus at work. Colleagues were actually commenting on her “far away” look. Where are you? They asked her. You look like you’re a million miles away!! Indeed she was ….

After saying “I love you” it seemed that their relationship was on a new and exciting trajectory. They spent all of their free time together and shared their intimate secrets. And hopes and dreams. But it was a warm spring night at the end of the school year when things became very intense.

School was winding down and college choices were made. Brynn and Spencer were going to be heading to the same college in the fall. Him for business and marketing; her for youth and child studies. They were in the process of arranging their courses and schedules for the first semester when the conversation turned to careers and future plans. The thought of starting their life together and eventually a family lead them to joking about kids names. But somewhere in the mix they both stopped and realized they were planning their destiny. They would be together for life. It was overwhelming and emotional and before they knew it their kissing became more intense. They wanted each other in a way that was undeniable and full of passion and love. Spencer gently yet urgently took the final step and they were bonded for eternity. Brynn and Spencer both in tears after and realizing that their two bodies had in that moment become one. Fused and connected in the ultimate way.

Back in the moment, Brynn realized that here reverie had caused a rogue tear to escape her eye. Of course, in her very busy and public office, her admin assistant noticed. Are you ok?? You seem really out of it?? I’m fine. Just a daydream disrupted by office dust … not to worry. Smiling Brynn returned to her computer. I’m losing it, she thought to herself. This is nuts.

The day dragged on and Brynn busied herself with the giant pile that never went away like a permanent mound on her desk. The clock ticked more slowly than ever before. Finally it was time for her to duck out to her “appointment”. See you tomorrow! She waved as she breezed through the office and to the elevators.

A quick stop in the ladies as she left assured her that her efforts in dressing for the occasion were valid. A light sweater set and a pencil skirt we’re going to send the right message: business yet a tease of what’s beneath without being overt. Again she chided herself on her crazy thoughts. It’s only coffee. Really.

As she drove to the west end of town to the coffee shop it occurred to her that she hadn’t seen Spencer in real life for over 30 years. Yet her mind and emotions were right back in that summer before college. She feels the heat rising to her neck and a quick glance in the rear view revealed her deep crimson blush. Quick. Turn on the AC. Just pulling into the parking she can start to feel the chill calming her nerves and her skin. Here’s goes nothing she thinks as she exits the safety of the car. Keep it together!!

The coffee shop is quite busy; it’s a lovely spring day and people are out enjoying the break from lousy weather. Entering the coffee shop she scans the crowd and notices a man at the window. He’s waving. At her. It’s him! Gulp.

She winds her way to his table and he stands as d as he approaches. Brynn he says with a wide smile. It’s so great to see you!! You look amazing. Brynn smiles and replies: you too. In her heart she’s thinking that little has changed over the years. His brilliant smile and kind eyes are so familiar suddenly. Her brain, however, tells her to take off the rose coloured glasses and get real. They both sit and take a breath.

The conversation starts out benign. A history of the past 30 years packed into reader digest sound bites. The difference is when Spencer starts to talk about his kids. They are clearly his gold crown achievement and they are heading to college (like the two of them so long ago). Brynn listens with intent as he relays their goals and paths; he’s proud and with good reason. It’s clear he’s done a great job as a parent. But they have two parents. He’s not mentioning his wife. So Brynn jumps in. Tell me about her.

And he does. They met after college and dated for a few years. Then married and started the family. He looks at Brynn to see her reaction and Brynn, remaining calm and professional, continues to ask questions. After a lengthy back and forth Brynn and Spencer settle into an awkward silence. Where do you go from here??

Brynn turns the conversation back to business and talks about her charity endeavours. And again is grateful for the generous gift. She adds in how interesting that her philanthropy should have their paths cross again after so many years. And starts to make her way to get up to leave. Spencer holds her arm gently and asks her to meet again. Brynn feels the electricity from his touch shooting up her arm.

With a sudden and unexpected wave of emotion Brynn thanks Spencer for the coffee and the chat. Glad he’s doing so well. Wishing the family much continued happiness and success. Additionally thanking him for the very deep reminiscent memories his contact stirred up. “But our lives are on separate paths now. Our history, while intoxicatingly pleasurable, is just a fond memory now. Let’s live our best lives knowing we share a lovely piece of each others past. Take care.”

And with that Brynn stands and leaves the coffee shop knowing that her first love will not be her last. She has more love to give and her heart is open to that possibility. 💗

First Love: Part 3

Her hands trembled as she entered the number into her phone. Before pressing the green button to initiate the call, Brynn had second thoughts. What would she say? How would she begin? And then her logical brain took over: it was a courtesy thank you call to a generous donor. She’d made tons of these calls over the years. No biggie. Deep breath and activate.

It rang a few times before voicemail kicked in. Brynn almost chuckled in relief not even considering the possibility that voice mail would intervene. At the end of the brief professional message callers were invited to leave a message. Brynn inhaled sharply and the first words came out a bit screechy. Hi Spencer; it’s Brynn. Remember me? (Nervous giggles were unavoidable) I’m just calling to thank you for the very kind gift to a great cause. Your generosity will make a huge difference in our efforts and you will receive a tax receipt to the address on your cheque. Thanks again. Click.

No muss. No fuss. Just business. Brynn tried to brush off the fact that her palms were damp and her heart was racing. Does anyone ever get over their first love? Brynn’s thoughts trailed back in time ….

It was February 10 1986. The big Valentines Day dance at Lincoln Highschool. Brynn and her friends, a tight posse of popular girls, had spent the better part of a week transforming the gym into a red and pink wonderland. There were more Kleenex flowers pressed into hear shapes than you could count! They even included a Valentine bulletin board where you could pin up a message to someone (anonymously if you didn’t have all the nerve) and a flower stand where you could buy stem for someone special with proceeds going to the science club (the flowers were donated by the science teachers wife who owned the shop). The pink and red theme was carried throughout the venue including the “lovers lane” red carpet for photo ops with the av club. The DJ booth had a “heart line “ request table where you could request and dedicate a song on red heart cut outs. The girls didn’t miss a detail and the excitement of the event was making the busy school halls vibrate with anticipation.

Doors open at 7. By 6:30 Brynn was flitting around her bedroom putting the finishing touches on her outfit. Her long blond hair was done earlier in the day at the local salon; her crew decided it was their best way to match – big hair embellished with baby’s breath and pale pink flowers. Her mom shouted up the stairs: Brynn! Spencer just called. He’s on his way! Hurry!! One final glance in the mirror. Brynn was pleased with the reflection. Her retro ivory dress (think Marilyn Monroe) with a strapless fitted bodice hugged her lithe frame to her waist where a thing pink belt emphasized her trim figure and then flared out in full crinoline lined skirt to her mid calf. Matching pumps and tiny clutch purse completed the look. She was ready.

Brynn bounced down the stairs where her mom waited with the ever present camera. Brynn! Her mom cried. You look absolutely charming! A beautiful valentines princess!! Let me get a photo!! Just as the camera clicked and the film advanced, the doorbell chimed. Spencer stood in the frosty night air and visibly awed at the sight of Brynn. You’ve never looked more gorgeous, he breathed as he stepped into the hallway. Almost forgetting in his wonderment, he handed Brynn one long stemmed red rose before moving in for a hug and a peck on the cheek. Wait! Brynn’s mom interjected: I need a photo of you both together!!

Spencer had borrowed the family car for the evening. So he opened the door for Brynn to slide into the giant vinyl seat of the Caprice. She slid to the middle close to Spencer as he climbed behind the wheel. The drive to the school was quick and before getting out they sat in the parked car in the parking lot and Spencer remarked again at her beauty. Brynn felt and looked like a million dollars! They walked carefully through the slushy lot to the school doors. Spencer, ever the gentleman, held the door for Brynn and they stepped into the school.

You could hear the music and the DJs voice down the hall and there were many other students arriving in all their splendour. When they entered the gym, Brynn immediately scanned the room for her friends. She spotted them by the bulletin board giggling and pointing. When they noticed her they waved her over. Spencer couldn’t help but comment on the matching hairdos and they all laughed.

Spencer was decked out handsomely in a white tuxedo. He was the most good looking guy there! His dark thick hair shaped into the fashionable mullet (popular at that time) curled over the collar of his tux. He looked lovingly at Brynn and asked her to dance when the DJ conveniently played a slow song. He held her tightly, arms around her neck, and looked into her eyes. I love you, he whispered. Brynn was stunned. They’d never said that to each other before. She looked into his handsome face and surprised herself by saying: I love you too.

Brynn was snapped back to reality when her phone started to vibrate. It was Spencer returning her call from moments before. Before she foolishly let her mind wander to a time when life was perfect. Shake it off she chided herself. Seriously!! Snap out of it. She pressed the answer button. And said: Brynn speaking.

Hey. Brynn. It’s Spencer. I’m so sorry I missed your call. Do you have time for a quick chat??

Brynn heard herself say “sure!” But her mind was racing. Heart suddenly pounding. Spencer had already spoken and was finishing by saying something about coffee when Brynn focused. She agreed to meet the next day for a late afternoon coffee. They hung up and Brynn tried to piece the conversation together. She realized that she missed most of the call. But did know for sure that she was going to meet him the next day. What was she doing????

First Love: Part 2

As her mother’s words sunk in, Brynn could feel her heart racing. Why did Spencer, even just hearing his name, have such a moving effect on her?! As her logical self chided her emotional self for the fluttering heart, Brynn knew her love for Spencer would never truly fade or disappear. Why was he randomly popping back into her life now? Her mind rotated around some possibilities but nothing made sense.

Since their gut wrenching breakup over 30 years ago, both had moved on with their lives. Brynn focused on her friends, family and career and Spencer did the same. He eventually got married and had three children. His consulting business thrived and he enjoyed a lucrative lifestyle with a grand family home. Brynn, still single, moved in with her mom after they lost her dad in the family home she grew up in. Spencer had no trouble finding it; he knew it well.

When Brynn arrives home she can’t wait to get the full rundown of events from her mom. Brynns mom was visibly excited to recount every detail and they sat at the kitchen island with their coffees to begin. Brynn urged her mom to start at the beginning and not skip anything. Then she held her breath while her heart fluttered and she listened with her whole being.

It was just after lunch because The Price is Right was over. While I got myself another cup of tea, the doorbell rang. I answered the door and a well dressed man was standing there holding an envelope. He said hi; it’s me Spencer. I took a closer look and sure enough, I recognize his brown smiling eyes and big grin. His hair is shorter and thinner, but he’s filled out nicely and wears a suit well! He tells me he heard about Brynns latest project and wanted to contribute. He hands me the envelope but I’m still a bit surprised; I take the envelope without asking him in or if he would like some tea. He must have sensed my shock and told me he would reach out to you in a day or so. That was it. Before I knew it he was gone.

Brynns mind was in circles. Spencer was here. At her house! Images of him standing on her front porch in his business suit caused butterflies to dance in her belly. Brynn forced herself to shake it off. He was married. She would thank him for the donation and move on. This school girl crush mentality was not healthy. Where could this ever lead?? She took the envelope from her mom and retreated to her room claiming she wanted to change into her lounge wear. But really she wanted to look at the cheque and the note in private. Surely just a few more fond memory moments wouldn’t hurt.

She scrutinized the envelope. The letterhead was inscribed with his company logo; it was sharp and Brynn smiled to herself at how well he had done for himself. She carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the two contents. The first was a cheque for a generous amount payable to her charitable cause. The second was a hand written note. Brynn immediately recognized the familiar scrawl. Spencer could have been a doctor his hand writing was a professional blur. Brynn read and reread the note: hello Brynn, it’s been along time. I’ve thought of you often and hope you accept this small contribution to your current endeavours. I’m very proud of your community spirit. Would you like to meet for coffee and catch up? No pressure; I’d love to see you. Give me a shout. Spence

Seeing his signature using the short form of his name made Brynns whole body tingle. Her mind couldn’t resist wandering into her past where they shared intimate hopes and dreams of a future together and planned the celebration to start the rest of their lives. Family. Children. True love to bind them as one. Kissing and touching. The tenderness and awkward impatience of youth as they fumbled with learning every inch of each other. A sudden recollection of the painful end to their love story jolted Brynn back into the moment.

She would call Spencer to thank him for his kind and generous gift, but there would be no meeting or coffee or reminiscing. The painful past was more than she could bear and the thought of opening the deep old wounds after more than three decades was too raw. Brynn decided to leave well enough alone.

Brynn gathered her emotions and dialled the number she thought she would never dial again. Her resolve was impressive. Until she heard his voice.

First Love – Part 1

Brynn had the world by the tail. At 50 something she was the epitome of “made it”; thriving career, good looks, wonderful network of friends, and money to travel. From the outside looking in, you could easily envy her as she flies past in her luxury convertible with her long blond hair whipping in the wind. But Brynn was missing one thing. A big thing for her: a romantic relationship.

Sure, with her good looks and personality to match, she was in demand and has plenty of opportunity. So what’s the problem? The problem has a name: Spencer. Brynn has been spinning her wheels since she was a young girl. Ever since Spencer, her first love, broke her heart.

Actually, it wasn’t Spencer. It was his family. They broke both their hearts. The young lovers were happy. Soul mates and best friends. But they were young. Barely out of school and getting ready to start their adult lives. They knew beyond a doubt that their lives would be together. So they got engaged. It would be a match for a lifetime and they couldn’t wait to start the journey. But his family wasn’t on side. They were a tight knit bunch and made decisions as a group for the group and the family members in it. The decision to end Spencer and Brynn’s love was made. It was over.

Brynn and Spencer were heartbroken. But their fate was decided. Their confusion and sadness shrouded them like a thick dark cloak. Their hopes and dreams shattered. How would they ever carry on with their hearts ripped from their chest in such a cruel way.

But they were young and as it happened they were able to pick up the pieces and move on. Their wounds and love for each other were deep. But Spencer’s family commitment bond was stronger. This would have to be! Their paths were severed and each took his own direction. Brynn moved on with a focus on her career and Spencer did the same.

Brynn’s career became her focus. She watched her siblings get married and have children. She revelled in family love showering her nieces and nephews with the generosity of her heart. Always happy for others while her own heart was breaking. Over time the raw pain of her own loss would subside to a dull ache. But her first love was unrequited.

The years roll on and Brynn is now a successful career woman who is respected and admired by her peers and colleagues. She has a way of making everyone around her feel appreciated and necessary. It’s as though she has overflowing love inside and rather than waste it on bitterness and regret, she shares that love liberally. Everyone around her senses the aura. Brynn needed to fill her void.

There’s been a few relationships in the years gone by. A couple that were deep and meaningful and promising. But fate again would step in and intervene. Brynn remained single and hopeful. Her friends and siblings closest to her nudged her and encouraged her to keep looking for true love. But Brynn knew she had found it and by now felt she would never find it again.

Brynn was involved in many community activities and her fundraising abilities were renowned. Her latest project landed her on a morning talk show for publicity. Brynn loves the camera and it’s mutual; her flair for style and beauty shines through. She makes her pitch for a good cause and implores people to consider making a contribution. She had no idea who her appeal would touch.

Later that day Brynns mom calls her to say that a generous cheque had been delivered to her house. Brynn is delighted that her efforts were making an impact and so quickly! But she wasn’t prepared for what her mother said next: Spencer dropped the cheque off in person. And he left a note.

We Called her Piggy

Hanging out with my parents is a quilt of emotions. There’s laughter, frustration, admiration, impatience, love and sometimes sheer surprise. My mom has dementia which makes things very interesting; you never know when a nugget of raw wisdom or blur of confusion will enter the conversation. Yesterday was a great example.

When we visit them at their apartment, it throws my parents off their routine. They have a very specific and regular routine that revolves around the television programming schedule and meals. Not that they eat much anymore, but meals are the cornerstone of their daily lives. Normally my dad will wake up first around 7 a.m. followed very closely by my mother who can hear and see things at that hour; she knows when my dad is up and apparently doesn’t trust him to manage himself alone in their small abode, so she gets up when she knows he’s on the move. My dad is now the family short order cook since my mother can’t see well and her memory isn’t great for short term items (did someone say they wanted a coffee?). My dad is content to head to his “office” (the den with the extra large tv … I hate watching it with him as it’s like being in the front row at the theatre … he loves it and that’s all that really matters) and “flick” while mom hops around the kitchen putting a fruit plate together. If you ask mom what she has for breakfast, even though she likely doesn’t really remember, she will tell you by rote the usual menu: sliced fruit, bread or cracker with cheese and coffee. My dad has eggs which he makes himself.

However, we were there yesterday and something got lost in translation when we discussed the amended routine to accommodate our presence and Rudy was heading out around 8:30 a.m. to head to an appointment. That small tweak threw my dad for a loop. He woke up at 5:30 a.m. to ensure he didn’t miss making Rudy’s breakfast. When he got up at that ungodly hour, he (according to my mother) thumped around the room and turned on the light in the bathroom without shutting the door to block the light from the room where my mom was still sleeping. My mother was adamant that my dad did this on purpose to which he replied simply: I needed to put in my teeth. The breakfast did get made and Rudy hit the road. No problem.

The next mission was getting my mom to the dentist. Getting her going at any time is a process. You let her know that we are leaving in 15 minutes and it would be a good time for her to start the steps: bathroom break, shoes on, cane and sunglasses etc. She dutifully gets up from the table (she is loathe to miss any conversation and resents that she needs extra time to prepare for an exit) and starts into the next room. On the way to the next room she has to pass through the adjacent kitchen area; this is a trap for her as she can’t resist feeling her way around the counter and in this action she forgets that she was actually on her way to the washroom. I remind her that she needs to pee before we head out. Oh … she says, that’s right; I was on my way. Distractions are deadly. My dad is quite happy that he’s off the hook for now and can take his time showering and getting ready. In the getting ready sense, my dad is a bit of a diva. He always strives to look fresh and shaven and well dressed if he knows there’s someone to see or something to do. In this case it was the pedicure nurse coming later in the morning. Take your time he says. I chuckle to myself thinking that’s how parents might have felt leaving their kids with a willing and able babysitter.

I bring mom to the dentist office. She hates wearing the mask that’s required these days; I tell her to keep it on her chin just for appearances. I don’t see the point of wearing it to the dentist office where the whole idea is to get your teeth checked; pretty hard to do that with a mask on. In any event, she wobbles in where the nurse says she will take it from there and don’t worry about the mask. I tell mom I will be back to fetch her as soon as they give me the nod. Off she goes. About 30 minutes later the nurse comes out and waves at me in the parking lot. Your mom is ready and wanted to wait for you to get her. How cute! The nurse could have brought her out (she came out to wave at me) but mom told her: my daughter is here to get me and I will wait for her. I grab mom and bundle her into the car. Off to the grocery store.

It’s my brother’s birthday. My parents beam reminiscing how on this day 53 years ago their baby boy bounced onto the planet at around 7 p.m. They would love to speak to him, but I remind them its a work day for him and may not be possible. The truth is, my brother lives far away and has for years; he doesn’t get to feel the emotion of the family umbilical cord as acutely as my sister and I do. I sent him a text the day before to ask when a good time might be to FaceTime …. crickets. He’s often in his own (western) world. So plan B is to get a couple of birthday “cakes” and sing happy birthday on a video which I will send him. Mom and dad think that’s a great idea so we head to the bakery after the dental visit. I pick up the cakes and candle (one for each of them) and when we get home we create the video which is hilarious and painfully cute. My parents are now kids. I have to remind myself often that they are the parents and have a wealth of knowledge and experience and raised three kids. It can be hard.

The pedicure nurse arrives and I take that opportunity to venture out to visit my aunt. She’s been living in a retirement home since my uncle died last year. It has been excruciating for her (and most seniors in her predicament) as the plandemic has isolated them and crushed their spirits. Finally after months of “jail” time, we are able to visit in person. When I arrive in her suite she is sitting at the window and working on a word search puzzle. She’s surprised and happy to see me. I ask her if she would like to walk outside and sit under the tree as I have Molly in the car and it’s a hot day. So we mosey outdoors and the three of us sit under the big shady tree in the front yard of her building. She seems a lot happier now than she was last time I saw her and she has gained some weight back; she still misses her husband, but is getting used to being alone. It makes me want to cry thinking about how her life has changed so much. She tells me that she calls my dad just to hear his voice (she says it’s similar to her husband’s and that’s comforting) but he seems disinterested. I let her know that he’s super hard of hearing and if he’s not sure who he’s talking to he’s a bit ornery. She thought she might have caught him in the middle of a soccer game on tv; that’s very possible! Her son (my cousin) has retired since my uncle died so he’s been the main source of care and support for my aunt. He took her to the grave site and she mentioned how happy she was that my dad had kept up the garden around the grave stone. She noticed that there was a lantern at the stone and asked about it (she asked my dad on the phone but that conversation didn’t go very well). I explained to her that when my dad and my uncle were young boys and were displaced from their family farm after the war, each of them was sent to different farms on either side of the valley in their village. The young boys made a pact with each other to communicate across the valley via lantern. Each night at the designated time, each brother would hold up a lantern and swing it in the air like a signal. They would each see each other’s signal and know that all was well (under the circumstances). My sister installed a lantern at the grave of my uncle and an identical one on my dad’s balcony and every night the battery operated lantern lights up. The story brought a tear to my aunt’s eye and she said that the brothers were connected in life and in death. I waited until I was in the car alone before I let the tears flow.

Back at my parent’s apartment the daily lunch routine is underway. I brought soup and fresh bread. With their toes neatly primped, lunch is in order. Dad is heating the soup and mom is busy looking for utensils (…. he knows I can’t see!! why can’t he put things back where they belong!!??). We sit down to eat and mom pecks at her soup adding more salt and seasoning … enough to make anyone cringe. She eats most of her bowl before she declares herself full “up to here” drawing a line across her throat. Dad wolfs down his soup and bread so fast and I wonder what the rush is. Then it’s clear! He wants to attack the birthday cakes!! One is a fudgy caramel creation that is burning desire into his palate!!

After lunch we play cards until it’s time to head out again. Cue the departure routine where mom, on her way to the washroom, stops in the kitchen and wonders aloud when we are going to have lunch. Oh dear. We just ate and she’s forgotten already? Her hearing aid appointment is scheduled for 2 p.m. This is an extraordinarily busy day! Dad is coming for the ride this time as we will be stopping at the grocery store and the gravesite on our way. At the hearing aid centre mom and I head in leaving dad and Molly in the car with the AC on; dad declares that both will be napping for sure. sugar rush???

Inside the clinic (mom with her mask around her chin) the receptionist asks mom the covid questions (seriously, we are at the hearing aid place! hearing is not the strong suit); I respond to the questions on her behalf. They allow me to accompany mom into the testing room where they perform a hearing test on her. The audiologist is super patient and accommodating; I guess that’s par for her job daily. At the end of the test we go into her office to review the results. While seated in front of her desk, mom has to cough. My mom has a very gross phlegmy cough (that disgusts me to no end! I joke that she should start smoking to justify the cough!!) and as she coughs she looks at me and then at the young audiologist. I’m sorry, she says, my daughter hates it when I cough, but I’ve had this terrible flu …. I immediately jump in at that point and clarify that there’s been no flu (fearing the covid death squad to enter the office at any minute) that my mom has this cough and it’s nothing to be concerned about. Did my mother know that her words were potentially dangerous??? We continue through the rest of the appointment which includes my mom trying out a new pair of aids (and the audiologist standing behind her and asking questions to test the clarity … wouldn’t you know it, one of the questions was “what did you have for lunch” … I cringed inwardly until mom answered and said “my daughter’s soup”) and the end result is new hearing aids required; her hearing has declined significantly and better technology would help with background noise reduction and clarity. Also, these aids are rechargeable! no more batteries.

When we get in the car, my dad wants to know what happened. I let mom fill him in and she mostly remembered the whole episode. A moment of clarity. Whew. Off we go to the store and the gravesite. At the cemetery we let dad out to water the plants while mom and I take Molly for a stroll. On our walk we run into a lady who steps up to us and starts talking like we were long lost friends. She’s tending to her friend’s grave (Mrs. Culliton) and starts to fill us in on how her friend would be so sad to know the troubles befalling the eldest son (who’s a lawyer in town and presently going through a law society and police investigation for fraud). This is titilating information for my mother who can’t decide (as we walk away from this stranger) if it’s more important to ask who that person was or what was the son doing?? My mother loves good gossip!! As it turns out, my dad was done watering and watched the exchange of conversation between us from afar. He’s also craving the scoop … who was that?? what did you talk about?? my mother is delighted to fill in the story to which my dad says “I read about that in the paper”. This throws my mom right off her game: what do you mean you read it in the paper??? why didn’t you share that with me??? she’s getting hot and bothered at the notion that my dad would keep such juicy tidbits to himself. My dad looks at me sadly and then turns to my mom: I did read it to you …..

There’s a moment of unpleasant silence as the reality of dementia slithers back into daylight. It’s painful for everyone. But the moment was just that. A moment. When we leave the cemetery we drive past my mom’s old friend’s house; it’s a small government assisted apartment building near our middle school. My mom’s friend is in the hospital and we don’t know the status. My mom says she’s sad that she hasn’t been able to see her friend in over three years (for some reason, mom seems to have three years as her go to date for things she can’t remember); I console my mom by telling her that we saw her friend a few weeks ago on her birthday and she was so glad my mom could hug her and wish her a happy birthday. My mom relaxed after that. For a moment.

We drive through town and pass another building. Out of the blue my dad says, I wonder if you could look someone up on your computer (referring to my cell phone); there’s a guy that lived in that building and I wonder if he’s still alive. (lately my dad has been obsessed with how many of his friends and colleagues have died and lamenting that he’s the only one left) My mom wants to know who he’s talking about and he starts to explain. My mom says: I don’t know that guy. Dad says: Yes you do. He was married to Piggy. I practically drive off the road; grateful that along the park drive it’s so slow reaction time is not an issue. Piggy? My mom: Oh, ya. Piggy. That was the clue she needed. I need to know: Why did you call her Piggy?? Dad, who comes up with very hilarious (and unconventional) vocabulary says: Because she was distorted. She was short and round and had a round pig face. Your mom and I nicknamed her Piggy. Then we all laugh. It was another moment.

You are my Sunshine

It’s been cloudy and rainy and miserable for a few days. We aren’t used to it. Although the rain was necessary (gardens, lawns and farms were a bit desperate) it gets old after a few days. Enough already. Let’s get back to summer!!

We spend as much time outside as possible doing activities such as biking, golf, pickleball, kayaking, walking etc. That when it rains our routines are out of whack. Now that outdoor dining in restaurants is open we tried to dine “out” with friends. It was like eating on Maid of the Mist. The rain and wind made the experience like a national geographic adventure. Then the power went out. Our waitress patiently plied us with chiabatta bread and chimichuri and wine. Adapting is the new normal. Yesterday we met our friend in a similar way; breakfast huddled under a dripping umbrella while the indoor tables sat empty with chairs stacked on top upside down. That’s our world. Upside down.

There’s one thing that’s as constant as the North Star. Molly. Our almost ten year old bouvier is unfazed by life’s curve balls. She has her thing and she’s sticking to it. During this lousy streak of weather we are slow to get up (slower than usual as I’m not amor big person and why hop out of bed in a hurry to look at gray skies and rain?? Ugh) and Molly is all about a good sleep in.

Going to bed at night is her thing too. She lets us know she’s ready and then off we go. We have a large king size bed. Molly hops in first and claims the middle. At 120 lbs you are at her mercy to get your piece. At first she’s accommodating. But once the lights are out and I roll over she’s quickly in her final sleeping position which is spooning me to the edge of the bed. We stay glued for the night. In the morning she senses movement as we wake from sleep. This is her signal to migrate back to the middle and look for cuddles. Rudy moves first so he’s the morning cuddle dude. Molly isn’t particular she just wants love.

She lays patiently in bed until we rise. Rudy’s always first. And I take longer to get in motion … toilet, contacts, bra, hearing aids …. it’s a process. Rudy’s process is pants. That’s it. He therefore is the Molly pee guy. She barks (annoyingly) in excitement knowing her day is underway.

After a pee and sometimes quick walk (she will tug on the leash letting you know there’s a need) she is ready for breakfast. She waits while her and Rudy’s food is prepared. Then she eats her breakfast next to Rudy. There’s always a little extra off his plate for her. Then she’s ready for her couch. It’s the centre of our house making it the centre of her universe. She can see all or nothing from her perch.

It’s the same everyday unless there’s something special going on. Then she’s on high alert ready to take on any mission. No complaints. No hesitation. Ready or not.

There’s huge comfort for me in her steadfastness. I remind my mom on a daily basis not to sweat the small stuff. Molly is my daily reminder. Just her easy going demeanour is relaxing. It makes her approachable by strangers. She’s the conversation piece. Yesterday in our walk there was an older man walking alone. He wanted to say hi to Molly. So we stop and indulge answering questions about her breed and other things. I enjoy this interaction as it’s benign and friendly. (I sense Rudy’s impatience with this interlude and explain to him after that I hope if I’m nice and friendly to an older man that someone else is doing the same with my dad … )

Molly loves the car. She’s a great traveller. In fact, as long as we are with her she will do anything! Flying in the helicopter was proof! The best wingman.

I wouldn’t change a thing. ♥️

A Mile in her Shoes

While we were in Florida this winter a special person passed away. We weren’t able to attend any ceremonies or comfort the widow and her children in person. All we could do was sit n shock. 60 is too young to die.

Chef Mick was a big part of our life and business starting in 1998. He came to us for an instructors position and never left. Until the day he died. He was a special person with a unique skill for working with students of all ages. They loved and respected him. It’s how he met his wife. They were meant to be and created a loving home for their kids and dogs. He was a family man through and through.

We share many fond memories. There are so many stories and situations that put a giant smile on my face. But today we smiled through our tears as we met his widow in person for the first time since his death in late April. We curse covid for bringing on such cruel restrictions and wreaking far more havoc on people with rules than the actual virus. What a shame.

As we sat and talked about the ordeal around his death all I could think about was being in her shoes. Waking up alone in bed. Smelling his clothing and seeing his face in every room. It’s hard not to wallow in the shear isolation. My own fear of being alone is overwhelmed in these scenes of love lost. How do you carry on without the love of your life and soul mate by your side? I told her I was in awe of her strength and resolve. Screw resolve. Give me my husband back.

They have two kids still in highschool. Life does go on. Others live through it and come out the other side. Why did this happen?? My range of emotion and thoughts is trying to find words of comfort. There aren’t any. It’s a shitty sad mess.

Her family wanted to be by her side. But they are internationally based and didn’t get the “compassionate permit” to travel until he was gone. She suffered alone and watched him dwindle to eternal rest. A small concession was the warp speed of his demise. Three weeks after being diagnosed he slipped away surrounded by his family. It’s a tragic end to their love story.

He leaves many legacies in addition to his children. Thousands of students and their families, coworkers and friends mourn his passing. He’s left a mark on so many lives. I wish the survivors all peace as they reflect on the memories.

My heart is heavy. Seeing her today has made it real. RIP Cheffie.

EB

My sister nicknamed my mom EB. It stands for Evil Baby. It’s a fitting moniker for a feisty senior (84 years old) who loves to push buttons and lash out in frustration most days. But my visit the other day was different.

I think in a familiar crowd EB tries to find the right mix of angry and helpless that gets everyone jumping. A crowd is anything more than three people. It doesn’t take much to wind up the EB spewing machine. I say familiar crowd because the antics rarely appear around strangers. Strangers (anyone not in EBs regular world) have the opposite affect. Suddenly EB is a sweet old lady who everyone adores.

The other day it was just me. And Molly. So EB was quite ok. No major outbursts. Just the usual requests to keep my dad (her personal servant apparently) hopping. My hearing aids are beeping. I need more wine. The light in the hallway is on. Did I take my pills? Turn the TV off if you’re not watching. Switch the dishwasher on. Tune in the news. Where’s my radio? It goes on. My dad loves to play cards and that drives my mom nuts with jealousy. When I ask her what’s wrong she says “I can’t see anything”. She suffers from macular degeneration leaving her with limited peripheral vision. I ask what she would rather do than watch us play cards. The response is everything she can’t do. Ah. The pity party. We are all invited.

My dad shoots me glances that let me know he’s heard all this before. His patience (so short during his working years) is now endless. He answers all the questions EB throws out and thoughtfully explains things when she’s confused. I’m so grateful they have each other. They need each other and rely on one another. A perfect team.

Dad and I are successful moving EB from the pity party back to the card table. We do this by reminiscing. EB isn’t so great on short term memory but her ancient past is crystal clear (we have no way to fact check but her words are her reality so we go with it). During this visit EB felt the need to confess. She tells us she did a lot of bad things. What I get is how some of her history has rubbed off on me and how those same thoughts shaped her perspective.

EB had two step sisters. My grandfather had been married previously (before my grandmother) and had two daughters. When he met and married my grandmother (9 years his junior) they went on to have four more kids. My mom was the second oldest and only girl. Her older brother Hans ;the first born ) was her mother’s favourite. He could do no wrong. The step daughters (there’s some confusion around their departure) were sent to live elsewhere. They were unruly. All step kids are unruly. Lesson learned by my mom: don’t marry an older dude with kids. Big mistake. Oops.

My mom, in her mind, was often saddled with babysitting the younger brother. The fourth child came years later when my mom was sixteen. So she was wedged between the golden child and the burden child. Claus, the younger brother by six years took the brunt of my moms frustration. On weekends the three children were allowed to climb in the parents big bed. My mom peed in the bed (anxiety? Excitement? Didn’t want to take the time to pee in the bedpan for fear of missing out on something?) and in order to hide her faux pas she plopped her diapered baby brother on the wet spot. EB.

During the war (WWII) the three small children were often left behind alone while their parents foraged for food. The parents would work long hours on nearby farms in exchange for provisions. My mom recalled having to share her meagre rations with the golden boy. There was never enough to eat. Her mom (my grandmother) contracted TB. In those days you were placed in a sanitarium to recover. If you did recover. My grandfather was sent assistance of nannies by the Third Reich; the nannies came to help with childcare and housework. One of the chores was bathing the children. While filling the tub with water, you had cold water from the tap and boiling water was added, my mom held the younger brother. The toddler. As the hot water was poured into the tub, EB held her brothers seem under the boiling stream.

Meanwhile, the golden boy was a “pech Vogel”. Literally translated it’s bad luck bird. EB says he was a klutz and very accident prone. Apparently his dorkishness followed throughout his life. He was constantly hurting himself or his things. His parents bought him a scooter. Within a day it was mangled and he was injured. Later in life he splurged on a new car. Within a week it was crashed. But nonetheless, he remained golden. Was my moms take away from yore that the more needy you are the more attention you get? I recall that my mom was fiercely independent and strong always telling us we could do and be anything. Where did that person go??

I would like the opportunity to ask my uncle (the very youngest boy and sole survivor of the brothers) his take. Being so much younger he must have a unique perspective on these recollections (confessions).

After a lengthy trip down memory lane with several refills of merlot, EB needed “to move”. Moving for her is fidgeting in the kitchen or with laundry or collecting the mail from the building lobby. Or, in this case, to feed the dog. Molly knows that when EB hits the kitchen it’s a giant likelihood that there’s a snack nearby. Molly is never disappointed.

Molly embraces EB without judgement or concern. I’m going to do the same.

In the Rearview

I suppose that everyone gets to a point in life where there’s more in the past than the future. Every now and again a vivid image of something or another from years before pops into your present mind and gives you a jolt. A little trip down memory lane. Funny when you’re working and tied up endlessly with junk that’s thrust onto your plate you don’t have a lot of time to reminisce. It used to be the distracting joy of Facebook before it got political and no longer fun. I enjoyed seeing what “old” comrades were up to. Like being a bit of a voyeur. Not that I cared too much about their amazing breakfast or opinion on economics or their quest for sponsorship. Alas. I dropped Facebook like a hot potato last year. No regrets. So now my meanderings into the past happen as I daydream.

It’s the random images that sometimes make me laugh out loud. Like high school toga parties. Whose idea was that and why was it even a thing? Thank god there was no social media around then. I recall getting bed sheets from a friend because that would have freaked out my mom. You need my linens for what?? Of course none of the parties were held in dry, indoor places. They were usually outdoors and things could get messy.

I mentioned another random thought to my sister. While I was in the pool (alone) in Florida I recalled a vivid memory of our family’s above ground pool and how we (whoever was swimming that day) would run in circles around the pools edge causing the water to form a whirlpool. When the current got strong enough we could simply float and let it carry us in endless circles. Or, in the brilliance of the moment, decide to fight the current by running against it. We could amuse ourselves for hours!

Also in Florida I happened upon a vintage store that sold, among a zillion other things, vinyl records. Our next door neighbour just bought a turntable so I picked out an album for him. While doing so my mind flashed back to my own very first album purchase. Selected with pride at the local Woolworths https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy_Horses the Osmonds were all that. And, with just as much gusto, a follow up limeade drink at the cafeteria counter. Red vinyl stools and booths of course. With Formica table tops.

Our friends jokingly mentioned watching Lawrence Welk and as they laughed about the timelessness of the show (they actually still watch as do my folks when they can find it on tv) I recalled gathering around our one family TV set and watching the Sunday lineup. Wild Kingdom. Sonny and Cher. Walt Disney. My sister and I used to envy the hair flipping Cher was famous for. Jet black poker straight long hair. Wow. Lacking the natural hair to copy Cher we repurposed my mothers nylons or our tights by fastening them on our head do that the legs hung down like hair. We would sing and pretend we were Cher while flipping our “hair”. Our parents didn’t grasp the concept or the hilarity in it or else there would be photographic evidence of our performances.

I wish there would be no photo evidence of my early encounter with the local swans. Clearly my parents thought that my horror would be cute on film as I was surrounded and then swarmed by angry swans as I held the bread bag trying to feed them. I wasn’t fast enough apparently so the swans took the matter into their own beaks. As I sat crying on the banks of the river, being attacked by crazed swans, my parents laughed and took photos. WTF. I think I was two or less since my sister was no where in sight.

I admit that all of the really old memories are fond. Nothing troubling… and mostly quite hilarious. I find myself literally laughing out loud at the thought(s). It’s easy to forget that each day we make new memories. Time flies.